Friendsgiving: the meal, the draw, and who brings what

Friendsgiving is the rare dinner where nobody is obliged to be there, which is exactly why it tends to be the better evening.

It also fails in one specific way: eleven people bring dessert.

The two lists

Everything worth organising is on one of them, and both should exist a week early.

The food list, by course. Not “bring something” — that produces four bags of crisps and no vegetables. Claim the main yourself, since it decides the timing, and put the rest up for people to take: starter, two sides, one dessert, bread, ice. Somebody who cannot cook brings the drinks and that is a real job.

The people list. Who is coming, and by when you need to know. Twelve is the number where a Friendsgiving stops being a dinner and becomes an event with a seating problem; it is worth knowing which side of that you are on before you plan the food.

Why a draw suits this evening

A friend group at the end of November has the same problem as a family: everybody would like to give something, and buying for eleven people is not a thing anyone can do.

A draw makes it one gift each. And this evening suits it better than Christmas does, for three reasons:

• Everyone is actually present. Christmas splits friend groups across families and cities. Friendsgiving is the one November evening where the whole group is in one room.
• The budget is honest. Twenty euros in November is twenty euros. The same twenty in the third week of December is competing with everything else.
• The gifts get opened together. A present opened in front of the group is worth more than one handed over in a bag on the way out, and it is the part people remember.

Run the draw a couple of weeks before the dinner, not at it — otherwise you are asking people to shop in three days.

What to give at a Friendsgiving

The brief is narrower than at Christmas, which makes it easier. This is a group that knows each other and is about to sit down together.

• Something consumable. Good coffee, a bottle, something from a shop near you they cannot get. Friends accumulate objects from each other; this is the year to stop.
• Something from the year. A printed photo of the group, a ticket stub framed badly on purpose. It costs eight euros and outlasts everything else on the table.
• Something for the flat. Everyone in a friend group is at a different stage of furnishing a home, and all of them are missing something dull and useful.
• Not an in-joke that needs explaining. If it needs two sentences of setup, it is a card, not a gift.

The three things that go wrong

Nobody claimed the oven. Two dishes both need it at 180° for an hour, at the same hour. Ask what needs heating when the food list goes round, not at seven.

The plus-ones were never decided. Say it in the invitation: partners yes or no, and whether they are in the draw. A friend group is not a family, and “obviously” is doing a lot of work here.

The draw was run at the dinner. It reads as spontaneous and it means everyone shops in a panic. Send it two weeks out and let the evening be the exchange.

The size question

Under eight, a Friendsgiving is a dinner party and everything above is overkill: cook for people and enjoy it.

Between eight and sixteen, the lists earn their keep and the draw genuinely helps.

Over sixteen, it is a party with food, and you should stop pretending everyone will sit down at once. Two sittings, a buffet, and a draw that is now the only reasonable way anybody exchanges anything.